A Special Easter Origin Story


Gather ‘round, children and ‘ol Uncle Alan will tell you the story about the first Easter. No, no, not the whole religious story of dying and coming back to life and morals and lessons and such. That would be boring so instead I’ll tell you the story of the first Easter. ‘Tis the story of Hornigold the bunny and Kenway the seal…


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Hornigold the bunny lived in a hole deep within the ground.
He’d hop and hop and eat some ‘shrooms and stagger all around.

Hornigold loved all things and many things more than once.
He’d smoke and drink all manner of things for months and months and months.

‘Twas at a party one night he met a chicken named Jenny,
And Jenny just loved drinking her Ginny.

She had too much and threw up and such so  Horni gave her some drugs.
She took them in stride and down went her hide and she passed out on some rugs.

Kenway was a lively but gullible old seal whose energy was matched only by his zeal.
He had met Hornigold just prior to the party and his concern for his new friend was real.

He knew Jenny was dirty and Hornigold was flirty and tried to stop Horni’s lust.
But one quick drunken swing by Hornie and ‘ol Kenway bit the dust.

When Kenway came to the deed had been done and passed out were Hornie and Jenny.
A bottle of LSD lied empty on the floor, the couple oh they must have had plenty.

Hornigold and Jenny spent much of the week recovering from that night.
It was a few weeks later when Jenny laid her eggs that the both recoiled in fright.

The eggs were bright neon and colored they were in all manner of shades, tints and hues.
Jenny pleaded with Hornie to run away with the eggs as if jones’in for some booze.

Yes, take the eggs, leave this place and give them away post haste.
Let children find and collect them all and we’ll just pretend we both were chaste.

So off into the world went Hornigold and alongside him was Kenway.
A trusted friend he was to follow Hornie and make sure he gave the eggs away.

Hornie did his job and hid the eggs and was so thankful for Kenway’s aid.
They went to many a land both near and far and many a bar did they raid.

Hornigold sent word to his bunny friends to come clubbing WITH the seal.
And boy did they come and full of piss, vinegar and oh so much zeal.

But ‘ol Hornigold had sent an un-proofread invitation and he was too late to repeal.
For all came his friends and gathered all around for the clubbing OF the seal.

Yes, children, that was the story of the first Easter. Now we all celebrate with brightly colored and decorated eggs and celebrate the story of Hornigold and Kenway.  Bet you didn’t know where this holiday came from and now you can grow up and pass this tradition on to your children.

Oh, I guess morals are important so here’s the moral for this one…

As prepositions proved crucial in this little tale,
And grammar was not just a pile of sh*t.
Happy Easter to all and through all your travails,

BE GOOD OR BE GOOD AT IT!

Be sure to follow me on Twitter at @Aldog20171 for more weirdness!

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