Darn Watch Dogs!


watch1              Alright, Ubisoft, now you’ve gone and ticked me off. You’ve finally released Watch Dogs, the video game that we gamers have been drooling over for a while now. No more reading articles about it and no more wondering how it will look on the various systems. I’m not going to go on a gamer rant here, so everybody please stay with me here as I’m setting this up. Yes, that means you, Brooke. Sit back down please.

watch2             The game has a plot, but no one cares about that. Here’s what is interesting about it: one can manipulate a city’s traffic control tools by phone. That goes for stop lights, rising bridges, traffic barriers, exploding sewage pipes, and other fun goodies. That’s it. That’s what I’m upset about. That is what has me crying as I look at my now utterly useless “real” smartphone.

Living in northern Australia, we don’t always have the same traffic issues as those of you who live in the cities, but we do get traffic jams, and we do have the same ILQ (that’s Idiot Level Quotient, for those uninitiated). Normally when I’m confronted by traffic idiocy, I just scream and wish I had a James Bond Bazooka to remove the offending car from my vision in front of me. Sadly, that would just create wreckage in front of me and, well, the authorities don’t take too kindly to citizens wielding bazookas.

watch3              But, Ubisoft, in releasing Watch Dogs, I am now resentful that I can’t use my phone to change a traffic light, or raise a bridge, or cause some traffic calamity when there is an idiot making me mad in front of me when I’m driving. I’m sitting here staring at my phone and it looks pathetic. Sure, there are some Angry Birds on it and yes, they do cause some imaginary destruction, but if only it would try a little harder, it could really be cool.

Right now it’s just laying on the table in front of me. It’s trying to get on my good side by showing me pictures of my family, but I know, just know that it’s trying to cover up for its inadequacies. “Phone, change the traffic light outside, okay? Now!” Nothing. Raise a barrier, lower a bridge, it doesn’t matter what I tell it to do, it just sits there. It doesn’t even beep anymore because I think I put in Airplane Mode and I can’t figure out how to remove it from Airplane Mode…maybe throw it from some altitude? What a suddenly useless device I have. Can’t even hack into someone’s ATM. Pointless.

watch4              So thank you VERY much, Ubisoft. Thank you for showing me that my device is little more than a camera and solitaire playing derelict. Leave it to you to release a game where you can both…

Be Good or Be Good At It!

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