Guide to Gamers for Normal People


gamer1              I was talking with my wife the other day and was trying to explain why I am gleeful of Nintendo’s complete and utter collapse with its console, when I realized her eyes had glazed over and she was very near to losing consciousness. I’m almost entirely convinced that it’s because the topic is completely boring to her, just as her Top American Food Network Star Chopped by an Iron Chef shows are boring to me. But just in case it’s because some of the words we gamers throw about are just meant for gamers’ ears, I will present herein a glossary of common terms for those normal people out there, such as my wife.

AAA Game: This is a game that costs millions and millions of dollars to make and are considered huge games for a platform or platforms. AAA Game is not a game about a roadside assistance organization that provides no actual roadside assistance.

Beta: An unfinished game that is being tested to iron out all the problems (or to video game company DICE, a beta is a completed game), not a type of fish that dies almost instantly it is put under my daughter’s care.

Boss: A powerful enemy in the game that is very difficult to defeat. It does not mean one’s spouse or a person who pays you money to do things.

gamer2Console: A piece, normally expensive, of equipment on which you can play video games (Ex. PS4, XBone). It is not an attempt to make someone feel better for marrying a gamer or for buying a Nintendo Wii U.

E3: Stands for Electronic Entertainment Expo. This is the Super Bowl for gamers. This is where all the game console and game manufacturers get together with the media to demonstrate what is coming out and how awesome the games will be. Nintendo, of course, rarely attends as they are incapable of competing with anything but digital watches. E3 does not stand for Expecting to End your Existence, which is what most spouses are feeling when they hear one speak of E3.

gamer3RPG: Stands for Role Playing Game, where one assumes the identity of a new character and experiences the game through his/her eyes. It is not a piece of military hardware non-games would like to use to destroy a gamer’s console…or the Wii U.

gamer4Sandbox: An unscripted game whereby the player’s world around him/her is dictated by his/her actions. Does not mean a container of sand that is very easy to hide the body of a gamer once he drives you over the edge with his video game playing.

Third-Person: A game in which the player’s character is viewed from behind so you can view his/her actions. Does not mean a unit of measure of a celebrity’s ego when he speaks of himself/herself in the third person.

Well, that is a good start to building your gamer vocabulary. It is my hope that I’ve brought gamers and their spouses together through a common language.

Oh, one more thing. If one speaks of the Wii U, it’s like being proud to still own one of those singing mechanical trophy fish. It destroys your credibility almost instantly.

gamer5              So don’t be like Nintendo, who can’t seem to ever…

Be Good or Be Good At It!

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