Extra! Extra! Stop Reading All About It!

news1              Remember when newspapers were relevant? Remember when the first thing one did in the morning was to read a newspaper, even though the news cycle was about 12 hours long? Yeah, neither do I. If you’re like me, and if you are then you’re aiming your sights entirely too low, you get your news from your wireless device. You get your news the moment it happens. There is no delay. Instant gratification. Life is good.

news2             And what about newspapers? Why are they even printing paper editions anymore? I mean, surely we are doing harm to the environment when printing them enough to get some group to be upset. What happens if there is a mistake in the newspaper? You have to wait at least until the next day to get it resolved. By then you’ve already fired off angry email and burned all your favorite sport team’s gear (even if it has nothing to do with the issue itself).

So what good are newspapers to anyone? Well now, I’ve come up with reasons why it still pays to keep your newspaper subscription.

Fire starters! No, not the very old Drew Barrymore film, but to actually start a fire. Nothing is better to safely start a fire than with strips of newspaper. And I’m not endorsing arson, I mean fires in a fire pit or a fireplace. And if you need me to tell you not to start fires in an act of crime, you’re already too far gone and should just get yourself arrested now.

news3Silly Putty: Hey, this stuff still exists, folks, but you can’t put silly putty on a comic strip on your phone and expect to get any sort of image put on the silly putty. Still works great with your newspaper comics, though, especially the Sunday edition.

Coupons: You can’t miss this section of the Sunday newspaper. It weighs a solid metric ton, covered with highly flammable red plastic packaging, and contains more crap than a used porta potty.

news5Writing ransom notes! Okay, I’ve never kidnapped anyone, never would kidnap anyone, and generally disapprove of kidnapping. But cutting out individual letters from newspaper make the absolutely coolest ransom notes. Just look in the movies and see how they scare the heck out of people.

And Finally…


news4The Obituaries. Nothing is a better example of time well spent than a lazy Sunday afternoon, sitting in front of a fireplace (lit by newspaper strips of course), flipping through obituary section of the newspaper to see if any of your friends have died. Sure you can get the information from the internet, but nothing beats the raw feel of newsprint in your hands after reading how your nemesis (Someday, Dundas, someday!) met his untimely end and yet you still live. Good times, good times.

Well, that’s about it, folks. So keep your subscriptions up to date with whatever newspaper you have available. Sure, you get all the relevant news from the Internet, but perhaps someday you can open one and see a column called…

Be Good or Be Good At It!

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