Bicyclist Boobery


bike3           So I was called away from my home on the beautiful island of Birubegja, where common sense reigns and stupidity and political correctness is strictly forbidden, and forced to visit some city in America called Alexandria. I was so thrilled to leave my little corner of heaven and instead become surrounded by people worrying about hurting peoples’ feelings and not offending anyone. So I was on my way to a seminar in which I was required to listen to how horrible I am because I eat meat, don’t particularly care about making everybody happy, and I drive a car. All pretty standard stuff until I had to listen to a topic that kind of threw me for a proverbial loop: Bike Lanes.

I’m sorry, what? People were stating that people who ride bikes (people previously called poor, now called eco-saviors), should have as much right to the roads as people who drive automobiles. I looked around the room and thought that perhaps I had unwittingly become involved in a hidden camera reality show, but no, these people were serious. So, being the curious chap I am, I remained quiet and listened to the presenters, hoping to find out what the heck was going on.

bike1          First, they showed a good deal of statistics. Some dealt with the overall emissions that vehicles give off and how we can save the earth by riding our bikes to work. Others dealt with a nifty line graph that showed a large increase in the number of people injured riding their bikes on city streets. Ironically, those numbers increased at the same rate at which the numbers of people riding their bikes to work increased. Shocking!

bike4         They then showed a picture of a common 40-something person who rides their bike to work. So let me understand this…at 7:30 in the morning, when one who drives a car is at work, he or she sees a bike-riding coworker arrive. They are treated to seeing a 40+ year old man, replete with the smell of man-sweat and the unholy sight of spandex so tight as to almost perform the same function as a Mohel and wearing a suppository as a helmet and the sound of heavy, labored breathing. And that person is to be held in great esteem?

Back on the road, I’ve learned that automobiles give bikes as wide a berth as possible, and often are made fun of because of the amount of space they give the feel-good bicyclists. Do you know why they are given so much space? What happens when a car rolls over a pebble? Nothing. What happens when a bike runs over a pebble? Potentially, the bike can careen left or ride depending on the rate of speed a butterfly is flapping its wings on the other side of the word before falling.

bike6          And these people are also known to take mass transit…with their bikes. So instead of being a responsible, normal person, this person now takes up the space of four people. How is that saving humanity? And why do we have sponsored days at work for these people? Bring Your Bike to Work Day just invites more harm to the environment with the amount of Febreze necessary to eliminate the smell. So instead, I’ve put together a new publicity campaign called Burn Your Bike at Work Day. Yes, we have the one day where we put up a heck of a lot of noxious fumes that are potentially bad for the environment, but we eliminate the bicyclist problem forever. So please, think of the children, why must children be exposed to the spandex and man-sweat smell? Won’t someone please think of the children?

bike5         Alright, now that I’ve solved this little problem. Back to Birubegja. There’s a stress-free life waiting for me there. Until next time,

Be Good or Be Good At It!

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