If there is something I’ve learned over the years it is that, as a general rule, it is far better to stay away from police officers than to be among them. In my case, it’s not because I’m some sort of criminal hell bent to get away with the crime of the century. No, instead it is because I have a healthy amount of fear of those people that carry things that go “Pop!” and make me dead, or decide that I should no longer be out in public and should be encased in a six by eight foot cell. So when I read a story published in the Mirror website, about a man caught for robbery after winning a doughnut eating contest with police officers, I was intrigued.
Bradley Hardison, a twenty-four year old dumbass from Camden County, North Carolina, decided that nine months was the ideal, if not actual, statute of limitations for breaking and entering and injury to real property. Having avoided the Sherlock Holmes-like detectives for that period of time without being caught, Mr. Hardison decided to enter into a doughnut eating contest against police officers at an anti-crime event. Not only did he fight off the guilt he must have felt for committing said crimes against local businesses, but he also made the mistake of winning the event.
Never, but never, beat a police officer at a doughnut eating contest. This, according to the Birubegja Police Manual, is the worst insult one can issue to a police officer. Luckily the Sheriff was on-hand, probably to judge a coffee dunk contest, and identified the winner as someone of interest in the crimes and had him arrested.
I have several questions about his case. Firstly, what made Mr. Hardison believe that it was a good idea to defeat police officers with years of training in this event? Was there any level of training involved that prepared him for this event? Did he start with crullers and work his way up to doughnuts? Were sprinkles involved? Oh, and what the hell was he thinking to be anywhere near the police after having committed several crimes not one year earlier?
Because we’re talking about relatively minor crimes and not capital such as murder, treason, riding a bicycle on a road that was built for cars, etc, I don’t suppose he’s going to be incarcerated for a long time or be subject to using cigarettes as currency in “The Big House.” But what kind of “street cred” is he going to have when inmates find out how he was apprehended? All I can hope is that he doesn’t end up with the prison nickname of “Tasty Crème.” Oh well, at least he can…
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