Here on the beautiful island of Birubegja, we’ve decided to make some changes to food safety rules in order to allow for a greater level of enjoyment of all that food as to offer. In accordance with this effort, the following changes to food safety rules have been enacted.
- 10 Second Rule
Yes, we all know about the 5 second rule, but sometimes you have to think about whether the effort of bending over and picking up the fallen foodstuff is really worth it. I mean, would you waste all that effort if some pitiful piece of lettuce is all you have to show for it? I think not. So I’ve instructed germs and bacteria to wait a further 5 seconds to jump on the food and make it oogie.
- Tofu Products Banned
Due to nasty bait-and-switch tactics by manufacturers, any tofu based product attempting to pass itself off as meat, shall be shipped to enemies of the state, in case we find we have enemies, which hasn’t happened yet, thankfully. Not that this does not apply to SPAM, which is only tangentially a meat product. We are continuing to allow it, however, due to that really funny sound it makes coming out of the can…”Phffflip.” Classic.
- Swimming Acceptable 10 Minutes After Eating
Here on Birubegja, we have some of the most scenic and beautiful beaches in the world. So, I’m allowing swimming in our picturesque waters after waiting only 10 minutes after eating. Sure, I know the wives’ tale stating you should wait a half hour, but there’s so much fun to be had in the water and waiting is boring. Besides, should the situation arise whereby a predator starts chasing you, you don’t have to be faster than the predator…you just have to be faster than the person you’re with.
- Washing Hands With Just Water Counts Same as Washing With Soap
Who wants to stand around and not eat something scrumptious while you put some sort of “cleaning” substance on your hands? Not your El Presidente, that’s who. So from now on, simply sticking your hands under some running water shall suffice. Or, if the food looks really, really good, merely waving your hands in the general direction of a faucet shall be acceptable.
- Uses of Garnishments On Plates Forbidden
Sure, you can do wonders with a piece of parsley or a radish and make them look like all kinds of things that are beautiful, but I have decided that plate space is too limited to allow for such non-caloric intensive displays. So from here on out, any use of cosmetically and aesthetically pleasing display of non-tasty vittles is strictly prohibited.
- Proper Portion Size
Those of you who prefer to have a huge plate containing a single bite of steak, with ornamental sauce squirted from a bottle will be asked to leave the island immediately. Should anyone be found to be arranging a pitifully small, bite-size piece of food on a large plate, that person shall be escorted from the island and forced to consume a piece of Fugu (blowfish containing highly toxic poison) prepared by an unlicensed chef with shaky hands.
It is my fervent hope that these new regulations shall add to the enjoyment of great food and shall further add to the enjoyment of life here on Birubegja. As always, you’re suggestions are welcome.
So to all, I say go forth and…
Be Good or Be Good At It!
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