I don’t know how best to tell you all this, but our species isn’t looking good. Some of us continue to be rotten animal-type creatures that do monstrous things to other human beings and no one seems to be doing anything about it, save for the president of a small country that likes to dress up in military garb and talk like he’s giving a promo for the WWE.
True, there have been some actions taken to remove from the surface of this little rock these terrible people that do terrible things to other people, but clearly it hasn’t been enough. So I, your humble President of Birubegja, have a solution for you. It involves two groups of people; Gamers and the people who live in Texas. Now hear me out, folks, it makes at least some sense.
First, we have the Gamers, who got so upset when a small group of technical vigilantes decided to bring down the PlayStation and Xbox networks down that they turned their gaming and computing acumen to not only finding those individuals responsible, but also shutting them down and hacking their systems. These are the people I want to find where these monster are. If they can find a single pixel in a universe of code, they can most certainly find these examples refuse of a minor god’s feces, and in short order.
Then come the Texans. Ah yes. You don’t want to mess with these people. Hell, they’ve coined a slogan as much. These people are rough and tough and easily angered. All we have to do is have the Gamers plant some false email outlining the shear futility and utter nonsense related to High School Football, the idea that the sun does not, in fact, rise and set on the Dallas Cowboys, and the actual fact that the United States did NOT initially want Texas as part of the Union, rather they had to beg the US to allow them entry into the Union. We take those three things, put them in an email and claim it was ISIS that sent it and then, BAM (to quote John Madden, who smells faintly of Old Spice mixed with potato chips) problem solved!
Besides…who’s got any better ideas?