As I sit and write this blog entry, it is about 19 degrees in beautiful Northern Virginia. This will bring different ideas to different people depending on what portion of the world you choose to call home. For those in the New England area, whose current weather is doing its darnedest to impersonate Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back, my statement will draw giggles and feelings of superiority when comparing your weather to mine. For those in Abu Dhabi, snow is basically frozen water that is white, cold, and makes ones nether-regions very, very cold when brought in close physical contact down there.
Regardless of your physical location, my question is simple…where is the damned Global Warming I’ve heard so much about?!? Oh, we’ve heard for years that big corporations, headed up by men with bad hats and handlebar mustaches, were polluting the skies and making temperatures rise to the point that we feel like we’re in hell or worse, South Dakota (whose schemes to take over North Dakota have been both legendary and America’s best kept secret). To me, the Winters are still cold, the Summers still hot, the Spring too filled with rain, and the Fall still filled with losing Washington Redskin teams. Nothing has changed.
Still today we hear about how awful we humans are with regards to our destroying the environment. Now we very well may be destroying the environment. Who am I to argue with a bunch of scientist with clipboards and social anxiety showing me statistics about temperature fluctuations? Why I’m just a regular guy without a clipboard (though one is on backorder) but with social anxiety, who is damn cold and possesses an uncanny knack for being duped.
So look, I understand all the people that want to save the planet. I respect you and your right to speak about your good intentions. But listen folks, I’m cold and too cheap to turn up the thermostat. These bunny slippers and Grinch sweatpants are not doing the trick, so I’m afraid that we must go ahead and Ixnay on the Lobalgay Armingway stuff, alright? But I’m a patient man. If it’s this cold tomorrow, I’m afraid we’ll have to round all the scientists up and have them form a line so we can do one, big, massive Three Stooges slap down the line.
What? The forecast tomorrow is colder than today? Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Poindexters!