(WARNING: THIS IS AN ENTRY ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. THOSE WITH A NERD OR GEEK ALLERGY ARE REQUESTED TO SEEK REFUGE ELSEWHERE)
I admit it: I am a bad Guardian. There, I said it. Those of us who play Destiny know that the characters we play are called Guardians. I, as previously mention, am a bad one. This is not to say that I’m not at least average at the game (I’ve got three characters at level 31), rather I’m talking about being an awful and morally corrupt Guardian. I dare say that many of my brethren are of sorry moral stock as well. And, being a father in real life, I have passed on my seemingly complete lack of good and understanding judgment directly to my daughter, who is rapidly catching up to her old man with characters of her own (I cannot begin to explain just how proud I am).
Just how am I a terrible Guardian? Just look at what I’ve done, particularly on strikes.
Devils’ Lair: The first and easiest of the strikes, this one pits us ultimately against Sepiks Prime, a “roided-out” beach ball who’s quest for power is simply to gain enough strength to become an exercise ball of enough weight-bearing capacity to sustain multiple uses by members of the Big-Boy’s Club. What do I do? Well I just march on in with a couple of fellow “guardians” and break his car then make him explode. All for just sitting there trying to gain some energy. Bad Guardian, Bad!
Summoning Pits: Fresh off the beach ball bursting, we head to the Moon where we go in search of a rather rotund gentle beast who is, for his and other peoples’ safety, conveniently chained up in the basement where he cannot hurt himself or others. I decide that I should go after this beastie, who has done nothing wrong to anyone, and then break his chains to free him. Let him go? Go with him to seek out help for his glandular issue? Nope, I free him so I can make him go boom and dissolve in a painful yoga move demonstration. Nice.
The Nexus: Content with killing the fat kid (tsk tsk…never seen Lord of the Flies?), we head to Venus and head underneath some sort of academy to go after a Hydra who is hungry. That’s it, that’s his crime. He’s hungry so he eats what is lying around. Well, here I come with my gaggle of heartless guardians and I don’t even have the courage to shoot him face to face. No, I hide behind a massive wall and just shoot him with explosives until he explodes to a million pieces. All because he was hungry.
Winter’s Run: Venus. Priest. Kill it. I need not say any more.
Cerberus Vae III: Imagine working all your life and not getting what you strived so hard and long for in the end. You’d be pretty morose, would you not? Well, that’s the case here. Valus Ta’aurc, a commander of the Cabal, is sad. Why? He took so many steroids and worked out for so many years to be one of the Gears in Gears of War that when he didn’t get the job, he retreated to Mars and became sad. But over the years he starting to feel better about himself so that now, not only is he proud to be seen, but he wears flags and ostentatious accoutrement that makes you think of him more as Liberace than less like the fierce Schwarzenegger character type that he’s made out to be. By all means, send in the Guardians…his confidence and his heart must stop…now. I am so embarrassed to be a Guardian.
Presently, aside from a couple raids which I can’t arrange actively participate, the strikes are the culmination of what we can do one endgame has been reached (and don’t talk to me about Crucible. I’m rubbish at PvP and I’m old so the hand eye coordination doesn’t match one who is twelve…besides I’m a PvE guy!). And oh what a failure of a father I am as I pass these decision-making skills on to my daughter. Soon she’ll be out there in Destinyland making beach balls explode and blowing up glandularly over-enhanced sentients…and nodding proudly as she does it.
I’d explain more, but I don’t have time to explain why I don’t have time to explain.
Feel free to friend me up if you’re on the Xbox version of Destiny. Gamertag is Aldog20171
Also be sure to tune in to the Guardian Radio Network podcasts, which include the Dads of Destiny!