It is a sad, sad thing when a man outlives his television. Oh sure, the cycle for a modern television is anywhere from 5 to 7 years, but the sadness still remains when one realizes that the end is coming.
I remember the day you were delivered, dear television. The box the size of a modern M1 Abrams tank provided endless enjoyment for our daughter. The unraveling of the power cord, the smell of cellophane emanating from the package containing your remote control, instructions that were never read, and various cords and such necessary to bring life to you. So young…so full of promise.
Sure, the shows you projected to our anxious eyes were tantamount to pigeon vomit; replete with terrible sitcoms, awful dramas and enough terrible reality shows to choke an anorexic giraffe, all indeed worthy of a self-induced concussion performed by beating on one’s head with a remote control. But this was not your fault. You tried your best to put the best light on the sorry programming, and for that we love you.
Then there were the video game adventures. You and I had enumerable adventures together. We fought off the Reapers in Mass Effect, we rode the western trails with John Marston in Red Dead Redemption, even became king of the modern NFL with Madden…time and time again. More recently, we helped squads of fighters in Battlefield 4, became a very successful pirate in Assassins Creed Black Flag, and became bored due to lack of content in Destiny. Truly, we’ve had some great times, you and I.
The joy was not just experienced by me, either. Our daughter also had her first video game experience watching your glowing pixels. She created a character in Destiny and became very afraid to do mission stories, she just sort of ran around in circles and petted animals in Zoo Tycoon, and built countless rather useless buildings in Minecraft. But she enjoyed it, and that’s the most important thing.
Yes, television, you have brought many pleasurable experiences to me and my family. Your 1080p display in all your 65 inch glory performed well for us for six years. But the end is nigh. You’ve developed the “dots of death” that arise like liver spots on the elderly. While not fatal to humans, these glowing dots (now up to 8 and growing) are signaling your imminent demise. There is no cure for this condition and, sadly, there will come a time when I must pull the plug.
I don’t know how I’m going to cope with this loss. Certainly an amount of therapy is going to be necessary. However will our lives continue when faced with your fast-approaching absence? What’s that you say? Sale on TV’s? Whoa, these new TV’s are cool! Some of them are curved and the prices for a brand new 65 inch TV or bigger are pretty low. Quick, put the dying TV on the trash heap. To the Store!
Now how do I convince my wife this is a good idea?