Vegetarian Chicken?


Picture it, Sicily, 1947…oh wait, sorry…was reliving an episode of Golden Girls from long ago. No, instead picture your humble blogger standing in a supermarket staring at a package of chicken. Upon his face is a look of complete bewilderment. Like the look demonstrated by someone having just been told they’re pregnant despite being past the age of likelihood of pregnancy…and male, the look on my face closely mimicked that of a dog contemplating peanut butter on his nose.

              What has caused this confusion and possible aneurism resulting in the failure of brain synapses firing? The label on the Perdue Oven Stuffer Whole Roaster Chicken proclaimed “All Vegetarian Diet” as one of the selling points of this particular dead fowl packaged for consumption. My wife and daughter were standing right beside me. They’ve seen me with this look before and their reactions bore out this fact. My daughter had a look of inquisitiveness; my wife a look of shame (presumably at her choice of mate).

How could this claim of being part of a vegetarian’s diet possibly be legitimate for a chicken? Chickens are in no way vegetables. Vegetables grow after planting a seed in the ground and waiting for something that tastes entirely unlike meat to grow. Try doing that with a chicken egg. I did, and men from the insane asylum approached me and were carrying a large net. I even tried burying a live chicken…it didn’t work out well.

              So there I am, staring absently onto the package label and found myself starting to get upset. Vegetarians sometimes upset me as they typically have a holier-than-thou attitude and are looking to decry my carnivorous appetite as being barbaric and savage. Now here they were trying to eat chicken and still have that sense of self-importance and dominance. Those finks!

My wife even pointed out that some vegetarians do eat chicken and feel that they are still vegetarians. Naturally I denounced the idea as heresy and lunacy, having compared such a claim to a claim of not being pregnant, but having a fertilized human egg gestating within your body. It just didn’t make any sense. These are people who eat nothing but tofu. They even try to fashion this cardboard tasting mashed up soybean paste into something with the same shape as a turkey and claim it perfect for Thanksgiving. In no way should they be allowed to eat a real chicken and still believe they are better than everyone else.

              Further evidence supported that this was, indeed, what they were trying to do. For one, it was a good fifty percent more expensive than standard chicken (which would make sense because vegetarians feel it an honor to pay more for things that look less like something enticing to consume). Secondly, it had its own display area, which is another common thing for vegetarian products to possess. Vegetarians typically like to draw attention to themselves so they can proclaim social dominance in front of their products of choice.

I was so outraged that I got home and intended to write a letter to Purdue to complain, but was stopped by two things. First, my complete and total lack of impetus to do so. Second, my attention was drawn to something else upon my return home (doesn’t matter what is was…could be a butterfly, could be the television (a replacement for mine being something I have not yet been granted), or it could have been that I was hungry for something that was recently alive and now declared delicious.

What’s that you say, dear reader? You mean to suggest that the advertisement on the label simply meant the chicken itself was fed an all vegetarian diet?

Oops.

You have no other choice. You lack the protein to move.

 

 

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