It comes with no small amount of embarrassment that I, your humble blogger, am soon to embark on a life of crime. It’s not something that I want to do, nor is it something that I’m being made to do. Rather, this appears to be the logical conclusion to the events that transpired just last week. For it was I, a man who walked on the straight and narrow for his entire life, who was pulled over by a police officer.
Sure, it wasn’t for creating a massive disturbance in the street, or assisting to bring about the apocalypse, but it was a violation against one of the laws that bind our nation together…an illegal U-turn. I was running late for my daughter’s softball game, and the lady who lives inside my phone told me to make a left turn a fraction of a second before I to make said turn and I missed it. Thinking I’d just hang a U-turn, I did so. Then the massive full force of the police department unleashed holy hell against my high powered automobile…okay it was just one guy on a motorcycle that pulled me over as I was driving my Honda Insight, which has slightly less power than my electric weed-whacker and a horn that sounds like a frog laughing.
He was a nice enough chap, though. He told me basically I screwed up and that he wasn’t going to write me a ticket, but the damage was done. I guess an illegal U-turn is probably just a gateway crime to bigger and more damaging crimes. Next I’ll be parking in front of a fire hydrant. Then I will be driving without putting the registration sticker on my car. Ultimately I know I’ll end up dressed in a scarf and sunglasses and driving off a cliff a la Thelma and Louise fame. I just don’t see how it’s avoidable.
Or maybe I’ll become a bank robber. I’m not a fan of guns though, so I’d probably end up unsuccessfully convincing a teller to give me all the money under threat of being the target of a particularly nasty scowl. Then I’d be jailed and spend the rest of my days where, San Quentin? Attica? Sing, Sing? Maybe they’d reopen Alcatraz in my case. Would my wife wait for me? Oh, who am I kidding? If I’m five minutes late getting out of the shower, she’s already gone and left me a note wishing me the best of luck.
No doubt you all are already dismissing me as a bad role model, an assumption of which I cannot adequately debate. Had I been blessed with any singing ability, I’d be singing the songs of Jean Valjean in Les Miserables. While I doubt I’ll be forever hunted by an overzealous police inspector, I cannot deny that my crime can be compared to the beloved character. On the bright side, I’m sure I’ll be able to get some reading done when I eventually end up getting sent to the hoosegow. There’s been a number of books I’ve been meaning to read and this should give me ample opportunity to read a great deal of them.
Wait a second…they don’t allow Xbox One consoles in jail, do they? Curses, foiled again. Never mind, then. I guess its back to the upstanding citizen status for me.
Oh well, One Day More!