Don’t Go There!


Here at the Birubegja Travel Agency, we take the possible threats to our customers’ personal safety seriously. So we’ve put together a little travel guide for those who may be thinking of exploring this rather small, round rock on which we live. So please take a few minutes to review the following five travel recommendations.

The Syrian Revolution’s Dire Threat to Christians

Syria

If you ever wished to visit a country in the middle of a civil war, well you’re in luck! Visit Syria today to get a front row seat to some of the most fearsome barbarism ever displayed by human beings. Feeling a bit overweight? Come to Syria today and the inhabitants will gladly burn you alive or lop off your head. And if you are thinking of traveling to Syria, you clearly don’t need your head as you don’t show any ability to use it correctly.

Birubegja Recommendation: Don’t Go There
Alternative: Playing chicken with a freight train while being on foot.

South Africa

Are you a fan of wild animals? Do you watch The Lion King and believe it is a documentary? Well then, South Africa may be just for you. Come visit our Lion Park and choose to keep your windows down while close to actual lions. And those signs that warn you specifically NOT to have your windows down? Well that’s just for other people, not you, you special little snowflake. Oh sure, the wild animals will probably maul and kill you, but you’ll be able to find out if the lions really do speak with British accents.

Birubegja Recommendation: Don’t Go There
Alternative: Sticking your head in a blender and pushing the mince button.

Australia

Ah yes, the home of the Crocodile Hunter (May he rest in peace). Virtually everything here wants to kill you. Snakes, spiders, jellyfish, crocodiles, sharks, etc., are all gathered here on a former prison island and have bets with one another as to how many humans they can make all deadified. But you’re a manly man, Mr. Indiana Jones wannabe. So by all means, come on down to Australia, pick up a Fosters beer and claim to possess a “big” knife. There’s plenty of space near Uluru (aka Ayers Rock) to bury your sorry butt.

Birubegja Recommendation: Don’t Go There
Alternative: Covering yourself in honey and go in search of killer bees

North Korea

Tired of stupid independent thought? Feel that human rights violations are just claim made by those on the losing side of an “argument” with a despotic regime? North Korea could just be the place you want to call home. Sure, you could be killed for any reason at all and you are not allowed any access to the outside world, but really, is the outside world all that great?

Birubegja Recommendation: Don’t Go There
Alternative: Attending a Scientology Camp and insisting that you don’t want to give them all your money.

North Pole

Want to go see where Santa lives? A land of kindly elves all singing about making toys? Come to the North Pole and make your dreams come true! Sure, the temperatures will give you hypothermia almost immediately, you’ll fail to find Santa’s Workshop, and the cute cuddly polar bears will outrun you and eat you while you’re still alive. Oh…and Bumbles don’t bounce.

Birubegja Recommendation: Don’t Go There
Alternative: Take off all your clothes and lock yourself in a freezer.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little, and by no means comprehensive travel guide. Here at Birubegja Travel, we strive to provide you the most detailed travel guidelines possible. So take our advice, stay at home and travel via Google Earth. Much safer!

 

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