It is with deep regret that I must announce that the state of North Carolina, one of the original thirteen colonies has been kicked out of the United States of America. Yes, I know the people of North Carolina are a proud lot, and I know that they won’t agree with this decision, but after the seventh shark attack in North Carolina this summer, it’s clear they do not belong with the rest of us.
After the first attack, we collectively thought, “My goodness, how horrible!” After the second? “My, the odds are just staggering it would happen in the same place within a short period of time.” I mean the efforts made by the animal rights people to portray sharks not as vicious killers but as innocent and lovely creatures (think Flipper with an attitude problem) has taken quite a hit after two attacks in the same place.
What’s that? A third attack? Holy Mother of Jebbus, this is terrible? Our hearts go out to the gentle and good people of North Carolina. Clearly this is something that we can band together and overcome. Let’s all hold hands and sing a song with celebrities. That should solve the problem.
What? A fourth attack? Seriously? Alright, we need to think about his people. Do you know the likelihood of a shark attack on land? I don’t want to go quoting statistics here, but I’m pretty sure it is as close to zero as you can get. Don’t you think this is a good time to think about, I don’t know, not going into the water? I don’t want to imply that you should have thought about this step before, but, well, here we are.
This just in…a fifth shark attack off the coast of North Carolina. Uh…yeah…this is getting a little ridiculous. There’s the water, in there are big things that make things into dinner. You no go water, you no be chompy chompy. Do you understand that, North Carolina? We should probably think about hiring Quint to kill the shark as well. Yes, I know PETA, that they are beautiful creatures and should be protected. I promise to protect their dismembered carcasses to the fullest extent of our abilities once we get rid of this particular problem.
A sixth attack? Really? Alright, clearly our efforts to dissuade you people from getting into the water isn’t helping. So by all means, come to North Carolina and swim in their lovely water. Enjoy the beaches, have some food then BECOME the food. Want to swim and not wait a half hour after eating? By all means! Take a swim and you’ll be EATEN within a half hour.
Seventh attack…color me not surprised. Sorry, North Carolina. You’re out. And South Carolina, don’t think I haven’t noticed the three attacks in your waters as well. Consider yourself warned!