Hurricane Joaquin: The End


A sleazy looking suited guy with a red “power tie” is seen at the news desk during a news program. He addresses the camera in customary sales-guy tone. “Hello everyone. I am Richard Dringle from WBSA news. Thank you for joining us as we cover all the horrible news pertaining to Hurricane Joaquin and its affect in the Washington D.C. Metropolitan area. We take you now live to Alan Reese, who is our Idiot on The Street during the storm. Alan, you there? Can you hear me?”

              “Richard, Richard? Yes, I am here.” The reporter waves his arm about in a rather unimpressive fashion. “I am here, live, in downtown DC and am witnessing all that transpiring as the city tries to deal with the largest rain event since the Sustained Drizzle of 1999.” Adorned by a bright red WBSA rain slicker and holding a large, presumably electronic microphone, he tries to keep the rain off the lens of the camera as he tells his tale.

Richard breaks into to set the stage. “Alan, what are you seeing down there? How are the people coping with this massive weather event?”

              Alan just shakes his head. “Oh, it’s not pretty, Ritchie. I’ve interviewed several people who are trying to cope with this catastrophe but are just having a really tough go of it.” He is then seen talking to a priest. “Father, Father, what are you doing to deal with Hurricane Joaquin?” The priest show Alan his copy of the Bible and opens it up to one of the chapters. “My son, I am praying and reading all water related passages of my Bible. It brings me peace.” A sudden downpour causes the red ink from the Bible to run and drip along the priests hands. “My God, My God” he screams as he looks at his hands. “My God is upon me!” He goes scurrying back through the streets and yelling something about parting the Potomac River.

The shot cuts back to the studio and Richard is fumbling for some sort of explanation. “Alan, has there been any progress in dealing with the rain?”

              “Reginald, I was able to speak with a nice family who were trying to board up their custom condos with screen doors purchased from the mothballed submarine fleet of the Polish Navy. The last time I saw them they were huddling together behind the doors and waiting for the onslaught of this massive, massive storm.”

Off camera is heard the screams of the couple from the home. “The WATER! It’s COMING THROUGH THE SCREEN!”

Richard is back onscreen and trying to establish contact with Alan. “Alan, are you there? Hello? Any update?”

”Yes, Randy, I’m here. It’s getting worse. I am here with Tomas Sandstrum, a millennial who is unfortunate to be caught up in this mess. Mr. Sandstrum, how are you coping?” Tomas, looking preppy but waterlogged is jumping up and down while trying to talk into the microphone. “How am I coping? Look at me! I’m soaked and the rain still falls!”

              “Well, Mr. Sandstrum,” says Reese, “They are selling umbrellas over across the street. I’m sure you can pick one up there.” This upsets the preppy millennial. “Buy? Buy? Look, I’m a Millennial! I’m entitled to an umbrella. I shouldn’t have to PAY for it!”

Alan shakes his head but then squints to see a sign just posted by the shop owner selling rain gear. “Oh good news…they are now giving away umbrellas free. Just go pick one up and you should be fine.”

Sandstrum looks even more irate. “What? Go over there and get one? Heck no. The owner should come over to me and put one in my hand. I’m ENTITLED!” He then stomps away and tries to explain his superiority to a lamppost.

              Alan then waves his hand over to a bicyclist trying to peddle against the wind during the storm. A massive diesel powered Humvee drives next to him and a large sheet of water is thrust against the Spandex clad bicyclist, hurling him through a window of a Tofu Restaurant. His only words that are audible are “I’m saving the environment…I’m BETTER THAN YOU!”

Cut back to the studio as Richard is simply shaking his head. “Alan, what can you tell me about what the city is doing to help these people?”

“Rudolph, Rudolph? Are you there?” asks Alan as he is joined by a snarky looking man in a business suit. “I am now joined by Dr. Dominic Mendelsson, Director of the Department of Fixing Emergencies and Stuff. Dr. Mendelsson, what is your department doing to assist those in need during these trying times?”

              Mendelsson offers a toothy smile. “Ah yes, let me assure you that I fully anticipate mistakes being made during our rescue, body recovery, mission here and I have taking the PROACTIVE step to order a complete reorganization of my department so we are better able to handle future issues.” Reese looks confused, a look he has obviously cultivated over the years. “I’m sorry, a reorganization? During a crisis?”

The Director of the DFES looks insulted before breaking out into a smug chuckle. “Obviously you’ve never been in management. Yes, a reorganization must be done. That’s the only way I know of to respond to any developments that challenge us. Now, if you’ll excuse me, one of my aides has developed a new PowerPoint demonstration outlining the new structure of the department. I am SO excited!”

“Alan, what is going on behind you there?” asks Richard, as the camera cuts back to him in the studio. “What is that lady doing on the ground? Is she okay?”

Alan is then back on camera looks at the lady and then back at the camera. “Her? Oh yes, she’s fine,” as the camera is showing a thirty-something woman in a business suit writhing on the ground near a disposable coffee cup. “She just came from the coffee shop and couldn’t hold her Tall Kale Latte, her umbrella and her purse at the same time. She’s dropped the latte on the ground and she’s now trying to lick up the Kale crap with her tongue as she is cowering under the umbrella while she’s sprawled out on the ground. Quite simple, actually.”

              Reese then tells the camera man to pan down to his feet. After establishing the shot, you can hear Alan addressing the camera. “Do you see the four inch foot bath pan I’m standing in? We now have STANDING WATER, PEOPLE! It’s covering my toes. I’m afraid this is the “big one.” We will NOT survive this weather event. Tell my wife and daughter I love them. Save yourself, everyone, there is no hope. Back to you, Remi! Oh…and the camera guy’s going to die, too. What, look, sorry I don’t know you’re name generic camera guy, but regretting that we didn’t get closer is hardly the proper thing to do now that we know our deaths are imminent? Oh and do stop crying, you’re shaking the camera!”

This ends our coverage of Hurricane Joaquin in the DC area. May the next inhabitants of this land be more able to deal with the mildly inconvenient humidity and raindrops for which we were horribly inadequately prepared.

Be good…or be good at it!

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