Fallible Brains


You know, the human brain is a fascinating thing. On the one hand it is responsible for ordering your body to do such menial tasks as breathing, blinking and defecating. On the other hand, it is capable (though not always used properly or efficiently) to create complex thoughts and ideas that can make one alter his or her belief systems and, through language, the belief systems of others. It’s this second-hand that fails me at almost every opportunity.

              I thought, at first, it was simply a trick my mind was playing at me as it had become bored with the day-to-day monotony of daily life. I was convinced my mind simply thought that it would be funny to see what would happen if I, for instance, thought it was a good idea to order and consume the Burger King Halloween Whopper. It took four days for my bowel movements to go back to normal.

Then it thought it would be a blast to give me a sense of foreboding and apprehension following my 40th birthday. Sure, logic dictates that I still have a long time to be alive, but heck, lets dismiss with the whole “logic thing” and give me the idea that my death shall occur within the next week and by the most painful and sad method possibly envisioned…expiring while attending a Washington Redskins game and not being found until my bloated corpse was forced to watch several weeks of their putrid play. I know…seriously depressing stuff, right?

              It’s not just me, either. Other people minds trick them into believing some weird stuff. Stuff like believing a person is the hero of their own story. Sure, we can’t all be heroes. We can’t all be made out to be superhuman heroes in our society like, for instance, anyone and everyone who ever decided to sign up for military service. True, the military is a sure bet for a source of true heroism, but if your brain decides to argue that the pimple faced 18-year-old boy who accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant and quickly signed up for military service and served his career as a quartermaster in Alaska is NOT a hero, well, your brain is about to have a nice old laugh as you are pelted with scorn and ridicule for even saying such a thing. Silly, yes?

              Then there is the whole Déjà vu thing. You know, where you feel for certain that you’ve been in a situation before even though this was the first time you’ve ever been at this particular urinal while visiting the Toilet Seat Museum in Alamo Heights in Texas. Modern theories suggest that the whole Déjà vu thing is a result of your brain taking the sights and sounds you are experiencing now, and simply assigning them to Long Term Memory instead of Short Term Memory. So, in essence, the whole thing isn’t supernatural…it’s a darn filing error.

Hey, the brain ain’t perfect. We can’t expect it to be. I just hope that our next evolutionary step in the human experience is to grow some sort of appendage that glows red when the brain is not acting properly. That would work great for bloggers like me. Heck, you wouldn’t be able to see that my brainy doohickey thingy has been glowing red nonstop for many, many years. Others, like politicians, used car salesmen, and Redskin PR people (talkin’ to you, Larry Michael) for instance, would be instantly defeated by this. And in the end…is that a bad thing?

Larry Michael, Voice of the Redskins, Noted Dan Snyder Proctologist

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