The Cause of Cold Weather


As you all know, I’m a scientist. Sure, I don’t have one of those fancy degrees or any basic or practical knowledge of any scientific principles, but I’m a scientist nonetheless. Using that purely fictional and baseless assertion that I have any scientific knowledge whatsoever, I’m going to address why the weather has gotten colder over the years since having children.

Golly, this weather is nice and toasty!

On what loony premise do I base this theory? Halloween. Specifically, I am referencing trick-or-treating. Remember being a kid and going trick-or-treating for hours on end? As a child, do you remember even once complaining about how cold it was? No, I say! And that’s because it wasn’t.

Just this morning I looked at data that I didn’t write down when I was a child. By those completely false reports, the average temperature on Halloween night in the Northern Virginia area was 74 degrees and never, ever rained. Based on the temperature measurements I clearly didn’t take since being an adult, and culminating with the readings I didn’t take on Saturday night, the average temperature on Halloween night in the Northern Virginia area since having a child has been -46 degrees and often raining.

I’m waiting for the kids to get done trick-or-treating.

So why is this the case? What has caused this massive temperature fluctuation between Halloween nights when we were children and Halloween nights after we had kids?

Afterbirth.

No, I’m not going to get all icky with the explanation, scientifically called “Vomitus Induciovic Yuckisol,” but the release of the icky stuff after giving birth brings down the temperature of the surrounding climate. That is specifically why people in delivery rooms tend to feel a little queasy when that event occurs. It’s the massive temperature fluctuation that causes this.

Every Christmas after giving birth (or in my case being the husband to a mother who has given birth)? Colder. Just remember the last time you loaded up the car to head to grandparent’s house for Christmas dinner? How many survived the trip without losing fingers and toes to frostbite?

Anybody up for some football? Oops, my leg fell off. Sure is cold.

Thanksgiving? Colder. Forget going outside to throw the football around on Thanksgiving. Just step outside with a football and they deflate faster than if they were sent to Tom Brady for an inspection. Remember transporting cranberry sauce from the car into the house? Yep, so cold that it’s been re-classed as a building material able to compete with brick and stone.

So how do we stop this phenomena? Obviously we need to stop having kids. I know, I know, that would possibly have a negative impact on our continuation as a species, but it must be done. There are various methods to make sure this happens, so pick the one that’s right for you. I don’t recommend spackle and rubber bands, however…trust me…doesn’t work.

So stay warm out there, people. We’re all in this together!

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