Get…OUT!


I am not a violent man. I tend to avoid confrontation in any of its various, well, confrontational forms. I’m the ideal choice if your particular army should need to be led away from battle instead of into battle. But you have left me no choice: I will stop at NOTHING to get you to leave my property.

              I’ve tried being nice: I’ve joked with you, I’ve hinted to you, heck, I even begged you. But the truth is, you just won’t leave. For years, you’ve been stalking me and my family and every time you finally leave, you show up with your like-minded buddies the next year. It’s time this stops.

Sure, you outnumber me. Do you honestly believe this has evaded my cognitive grasp? I know how many of you are currently here, and I know you’re likely to bring in several more in this epic brouhaha. This deters me not! As the character of Robin Hood said in the 1991 film Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, “One free man defending his home is more powerful than ten hired soldiers.” I, sir, am defending my home!

              And yes, I know I don’t possess the tools that other people have on hand for this task. But my sheer determination to rid us of your abhorrent presence will make up for any technological shortcomings I may have. Remember what the Ewoks did to the Empire on Endor in Return of the Jedi? Well, my overconfident friend, I say “Du rub rub” to you. It may take me a little longer to vanquish your forces from my land, but rest assured, it will be done!

I shall not, nay, I cannot allow you to continue to threaten my property with your annoying trespass. Do not even attempt to put up any sort of intelligent argument. I know you. You will just sit silently with your evil associates and will be content to allow your onslaught upon me to continue. You have reached the end of my patience, you hideous and grotesque eye-sore.

It…is…time.

Time to rake the leaves!

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