Well, we did it. Against our best efforts to bring about the end of the world (pollution, reality shows, wars, people who still unroll the toilet paper from the top and not from the bottom), we find ourselves in 2016. Guessed I lost my bet with humanity that we’d blow up the earth in a monumental cheese fire before 2016…thought I would have won that won.
So what can we expect in 2016? You will get the usual stuff, of course. Politicians will speak out of smelly orifices in their body, local sports teams will find new and interesting ways of breaking our hearts, and children will continue to grow despite our best efforts to keep them young.
No, it’s the more whimsical items that could occur this year in which I’m interested. In the interest of looking ever-forward, here are a few things we can expect since the Earth utterly failed to be destroyed…
- First Trans-Trans Gender Beach Volleyball Player
Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn Jenner did wonders for the Transgender movement, but there is still room for improvement. I believe 2016 will see the first male athlete become jealous of the Women’s Olympic Beach Volleyball Team and will choose to go through the process to become female so he/she can compete. He/she will be lauded for his/her courage and will become a valued member of the team. Then he/she will realize that being a woman takes more thought than we men are capable of and will once again become male. He/she/he will be lauded for courage again and end up with a reality show on Spike TV.
- Firefighter Scandal
Since 9/11 (2001), first responders have been labeled as heroes. Apparently this applies to ALL first responders and not just those that truly behaved heroically 15 years ago. Recently, however, the glimmer has been off the rose for police officers as they are now viewed by some at the same level as insurance adjusters, activist lawyers, and unpaid social commentary-related bloggers (hmm). This year the firefighters will suffer a similar hit due to a scandal that will involve firefighters that have intentionally set fires, throwing puppy dogs into burning buildings for the express purpose of saving them in front of news reporters, and timing their response to fires so that only those who donated to those firefighters requesting donations from people at intersections get the fastest on-site response.
- Cable TV providers will improve their customer service skills.
This one, admittedly, is a bit of a stretch. Right now some of the best-viewed qualities to possess for a Cable TV customer service representative involve tendencies to push old ladies out of their wheelchairs, throwing dead squirrels at infants, and admitting to Nielsen people that watching reality shows is ALL they watch. This year, however, Cable TV companies will see that more and more people are “cutting the cord” entirely and will be forced to mend their ways. New people (with less inclination to hurl deceased rodents at toddlers) will be employed to make customers smile and to address all their TV-related needs. They will subsequently charge 200% more for monthly service to account for this improvement.
- New Media Causes
Here at the start of 2016, the American public is in need of a new cause. Why? Because we’re ALWAYS in need of a new cause. This is where the media needs to step in. The trick is in choosing this new quest for societal improvement. It’s early, but the most recent reports I’ve read (after I wrote them down on Vienna Sausage Cocktail Napkins) indicate that the newest media cause will be poor children forced to eat kittens and puppies to allow them to spend whatever money they can find to support their glue-sniffing habit. Celebrities will show up in droves to support the rehabilitation of these adhesive ingesting, domesticated animal consuming, disenfranchised youths.
- Politicians will base sweeping general change recommendations based on an isolated event
Let’s face it…politicians are a reactive group. Sure, they spend their entire campaigns making promises they don’t intend to keep just so they will be elected to a suit-wearing fraternity whose sole job is to react to the whims of the populace. 2016 will see some idiot doing something stupid and anti-society only to be shot and killed in an attempt to make that person cease doing that stupid, anti-society thing. Invariably there will be some video showing the culprit doing something rather untoward while wearing a product that offends those likely to be offended by anything. No doubt the stupid person will be wearing a red brand name shirt and the manufacturer of said shirt will be blamed for the event itself. Huge political rallies and sweeping reform to outlaw the color red and removal of the manufacturer’s name from all products and Better Business Bureau listings will be prevalent until someone else does something stupid wearing some other product. Ah, the circle of life.
2016 will be an interesting year. While not specifically original, or even generally original, we “first-worlders” will be exposed to all this nonsense. Some might take this fact too seriously, but reality will dictate what it always does…we live our lives despite the idiocy around us. While the media (both social and mass) explodes around us, we just keep on keeping on. Hey, it’s the American Way!
Happy 2016 Everybody!