My Fault…It’s All My Fault!


In these days of no accountability for any wrongdoing whatsoever, I strive to set an example of someone who isn’t afraid to admit when he’s screwed up. This, my friends, is one of those times. Despite the best of intentions and my normal stickler for rules, I am personally to blame for the Washington Redskins being booted from the playoffs yesterday.

              There, I admitted it. I have to tell you it feels good to get that off my chest. How is it my fault the Redskins lost 35 – 18 to the Green Bay Packers in yesterday’s playoff game? Simply put, it was my lack of traditional garment that proved the undoing of the Redskins season. I failed to wear my traditional Redskins t-shirt during the game yesterday, and our beloved home team was simply unable to overcome that initial setback.

Some might vainly attempt to claim that my not wearing my trusted “This Team Makes Me Drink” Redskins shirt had nothing to do with the outcome of the game, and it was a combination of football related factors that was to blame for the loss. The fact that Aaron Rodgers was eventually able to pick apart the Redskins defense like I pick apart stir fry in search of a morsel of meat certainly helped tell the tale. But I know that my not displaying the mock emblem of the team with the Native American face with his head in this hands was truly to blame for all of this.

              And the fact that the second half was as an effective demonstration of being unable to stop an opponent’s injury-riddled offense from penetrating the end zone several times as I’ve seen in some time certainly was one factor in the loss. Sure, the team no doubt suffered from my not wearing my Redskins sweatpants, but this is something they’ve been able to overcome before, particularly on laundry day. No, it was the missing shirt that caused all this.

All the penalties? Yep, that was me. No doubt the team was severely distracted by my t-shirt resting comfortably on my clothes hamper when both “12 men on the field” penalties occurred. I’m not sure, but I think I may have heard DeSean Jackson address my lack of officially licensed Redskin gear when he was asked why he forgot to put the ball in his left hand so he could put the ball over the pylon yesterday. I’m pretty sure he said something about that.

“It is all Alan’s fault!”

The missed tackles? The complete and utter lack of playcalling knowledge that would enable your garden-variety yak to determine one should do a series of quarterback sneaks when one needs less than one yard to score a touchdown. Jay Gruden was quoted (I think…I’m pretty sure, anyway) as saying, “If that damned Alan Reese would have worn his Redskins shirt, I would have realized that my brain had a disproportionate ratio of Jell-o to brain matter that most coaches possess and I would have handed the duty off to someone else. But no, he had to go and not where his shirt…dipwad!”

So there it is. I am so sorry. I realize it’s all my fault. I should not have put my team in such an insurmountable position. I hope the team and the rest of the fans can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Never again will I fail to wear the appropriate attire for a game.

So Hail to the Redskins…where’s my Tylenol?

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