This will probably be my last posting, ever, like ever, like the time it would take for the Cubs to win the World Series. No, not because I’m getting bored and have nothing more to say. No, not because my wife got upset at something I said and hit me over the head with a medium cooked halibut. It is, you see, because there is a snow storm coming later today that will usher in the next ice age.
I live in Northern Virginia. We are a collection of people who are as unable to properly operate a motor vehicle as ancient cavemen were inept of properly identifying the elements of the periodic table. Just yesterday we had a total of one inch of snow and it resulted in hundreds of accidents and caused people to be hours and hours late of reaching their destination.
The storm arriving later today will include 18 – 24 inches of snow and it will absolutely cripple us. The stores have already been looted and parents have begun selling their children on Craigslist so as to free up food for themselves. The elderly have already begun standing in coffins as they know they will not survive this storm and are trying to be has helpful as possible to those that do.
I took the precautionary step to slash my car tires ahead of time so I could get a tow truck out to our house before the storm. I figure being first in line in the mechanics garage isn’t a bad thing when the cars belonging to the idiots who drive in this area invariably become dented cans not unlike discounted corn and beans from a grocery store.
School for our daughter? Well, by my calculations due to the strong teachers’ union and collective bargaining, she won’t return to school until June because of this storm. Being the good father I am, I intend to teach her everything I know of the world. What we’ll do after that ten minutes is beyond me, but it’s a start.
I know our dog will have some problems using the bathroom outdoors because we’ll have to clear a space for him when the ice age hits in a few hours. I don’t want the little guy (psst, he’s a Bichon Poodle) to get bored with the same old boring surroundings, so I’ve fashioned a non-invasive muzzle made out of mirrors to keep things interesting for him.
Because I know my priorities, I’ve bought a generator and made sure my Xbox One and my TV are attached to it if we lose power. My wife wanted to hook heating units and other “essential” items to the generator, but let’s face it: we’ve got blankets. I know how cranky I can get if my video game needs aren’t met.
To all those that are in this same sinking boat with me, it was nice knowing you. To all those who live in sunnier and warmer climates…bugger off!
Be Good or Be Good At It!