It looks like the Blizzard of 2016 did not completely destroy the eastern seaboard of the United States. Sure, it made us miss some work and kids had a week off of school, but we, as a whole, made it out alive. Sadly, I fear we are on the precipice of an annual plague that threatens the entire United States.
No, I’m not talking about the devastating Zika virus. That is both nasty and scary, but it hasn’t come to the States quite yet. Rather, I’m speaking about an as-yet unnamed affliction that affects thousands of Americans per year: the mysterious multi-symptom plague which occurs the day after the Super Bowl.
There’s no denying it. Thousands of people are physically unable to report to work the day after the Super Bowl. Various illnesses somehow creep up on them during this time and these hard-working Americans have no choice but to inform their employer that they are simply unable to report for work duties.
To be sure, this is an elusive illness. As previously stated, there are multiple symptoms. Most reported are cold and flu-like symptoms, but some are simply unable to be explained. Though rare, I’ve heard stories of women calling in sick with prostate issues, and men rendered completely immobile with uterine issues.
Here at the Reesian Institute of Thinky People, we’ve studied this phenomena and have determined that broadcast companies are the source of the problem. Somehow FOX, NBC, ABC, and CBS have installed some sort of trigger devices into all of us and activates these triggers through carefully chosen words during the broadcasts. Sure, it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Every time Jim Nantz says “friends,” or when Troy Aikman references his Cowboy playing days, a secret audible cue is recognized by our bodies and triggers a multitude of ailments that prevents us from working the following day. These are just examples, of course, but they are present in all of the commentators and announcers.
Unfortunately there is no cure of this unnamed plague. It appears to last twenty four hours, but people older than thirty may take longer to fully recover. I implore all those intending to watch the Super Bowl…please hit that mute button when you suspect any of these audible triggers could be activated. Please save yourselves.
Disclaimer>>Funding for research into this phenomena paid for by Anheuser Busch who asks you to drink responsibly if drinking any product other than those of Anheuser Busch. If you are consuming an Anheuser Busch product, go hog wild!<<