Licensed to Kill


We hear an awful lot nowadays about the topic of gun control. Some believe that there should be almost impossible rules and regulations in place that would essentially prohibit all types of guns. Others believe that people should be able to own bazookas that could blow up entire city blocks. As with everything, I find myself pretty much in the middle.

But this is not the topic for today. No, instead I propose we take drastic action to prohibit stupid people from accessing weapons that weigh at least a ton and can cause death and destruction on a massive scale. I, of course, am meaning vehicles.

              Here in Northern Virginia, we have a reputation of not being the meanest drivers (though I can be quite eloquent in my expression to a stupid driver that he or she should just give up and place their head in their own southern orifice), but some of the most stupid in the country. Our inability to judge spatial distances and angles is matched only by our complete and utter ignorance of how physics works.

 

Strange old man with dunce cap making weird crazy face expressions ...         Case in point…a NOVA (def: Northern Virginia…2nd def: dumbass driver) is at an intersection and wishes to take a right onto the main road. Other cars are on the main road and the NOVA waits until the cars are almost upon him/her before going ahead and making the turn onto main road. This causes the drivers on the main road to have to slam on the brakes to avoid a major crash.

Clearly the NOVA should have either A. turned when there was more space between him/her and the other cars, B. waited until the traffic passed and then make the turn, or C. exited the vehicle, punctured all the tires and finally grasped that in no way should he or she be allowed to re-enter the vehicle. All of these are viable options, thought he third is clearly the most appropriate.

              Another issue is the topic of wireless devices…aka cell phones. Look, I’m not going to get all preachy here. Heck, I’m often not good at doing one thing at once, to say nothing of doing more than one thing at a time. But please, if you are going to be driving, put down the darn phone. You are not that important. None of the people with whom you are speaking are that important. You’re probably just gossiping or complaining about your spouse or child, which can wait for any of the other moments in your life. If you are going to be talking on a phone and driving at the same time, you simply will not have the mental fortitude and to make any driving adjustments that will no doubt arise just when you are giving your “expert” opinion on why the Oscars were terrible this year and which subset of the community were not honored during said waste of time. I simply request you veer off into a tree as this is the only acceptable end result for talking while driving.

The final thing I’ll talk about here are traffic lights. We all know ‘em. We all hate ‘em. But there is a discernible pattern incorporated into their design. It’s certainly not rocket science, but for those NOVA’s out there, I will attempt to explain the basic operation and significance of the three colors. First, green. This means go, your foot should be on the accelerator of your vehicle. The second color is red. This means your foot should be firmly and persistently planted onto your brake peddle.

              The third color of a traffic light is yellow. This color actually has two meanings…the first means slow down as the color is going to change red soon so you should just stop now and wait for the green light. This is the correct interpretation to adopt when there is a police officer present or if there is a recognizable camera sitting atop the light. The second meaning comes from the ancient Greek word “Yalo” meaning, “speed up, you can make it!” This is the correct interpretation in all other circumstances involving yellow lights. It does NOT mean, speed up and then slam on the brakes right before you enter an intersection. Adopting this interpretation should result in your license being taken away and your person be subject to five hundred Three Stooges slaps across your face.

I’d love to continue to offer my explanations of driving safety and etiquette, but I’m afraid the NOVA’s have exhausted their mental absorption capacity for one day. As I’m sure this entry didn’t sink in fully, no doubt I’ll have to revisit this situation.

              Oh well, Happy Monday!

 

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